Home » Legal » Internal Combustion (or How I Will Turn the Bile of Betrayal into Fuel for Deliverance)

Internal Combustion (or How I Will Turn the Bile of Betrayal into Fuel for Deliverance)


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There are as many reasons why people may choose to write a blog as there are bloggers. There is no right or wrong reason and readers have the complete freedom to come and go as they please based upon whether a blogger has something to say or offer that is meaningful, entertaining or useful to the reader or not. In my own case, my initial purpose in starting this blog was have a forum to share my original icons and clipart in an effort to give back to a community that had always been very generous with their own knowledge and talents. Secondarily, I wanted to simply share some of my own personal experiences, things I’ve learned, and questions I repeatedly find myself pondering, in the hopes that I might find there are kindred souls out there who can relate to my views and either gain some useful insight that might help them and/or who can impart some differing viewpoint that I can learn from. Although I wish there would be more discussion between more people in the comment sections, I believe that I’ve achieved exactly what I set out to do and cherish this opportunity and the readers who’ve made it so rewarding. I love you guys! 😉

What brings those thoughts to my mind on this particular day, is that I am critically aware of the fact that over the last year, I have been increasingly lax in publishing new posts and that too many of the posts I have written reflect my anguish over circumstances that I’ve not been at liberty to reveal adequate details about so that anyone who only knows me by my posts could have any idea at all what I’ve been so upset about. Between my inability to be specific and my simultaneous struggles due to my declining health, I’m afraid that I have not continued to uphold my commitment to providing uplifting, interesting text to accompany the freebie artwork that follows it. I expect better from myself, even if no one else does, and so have been trying to figure out how to overcome this rut.

One of the serendipities to doing research on a wide variety of subjects in order to find inspiration for my artwork or to help me describe my creations that are offered for sale on my zazzle websites, is that I am constantly being exposed to ideas that send me in an entirely different direction and enrich my knowledge, imagination and understanding in ways I could never have anticipated. A good example of that came up over the last 2 days, when I was trying to discover the identity of a particular woman in a photograph taken by a very talented photograph during the heyday of Art Nouveau but which I suspect was a private portrait contracted for by the woman or her family’s private enjoyment and not part of any commercial intention. In the course of that research, I ended up at a great webpage with a huge list of quotations. Of particular interest to me was the very large section of quotes from artists representing a wide range of disciplines (painting, sculpture, music, dance, architecture, writing, etc.) who lived anywhere from the time of Aristotle to the present, trying to describe what makes artists different from non-artists, what is necessary for an artist to produce their art, and why art is so important to mankind despite the fact that it isn’t listed on the FDA’s chart of our daily nutritional requirements nor specifically called out in Maslow’s “Hierarchy of Needs”.

While fascinating all on it’s own, I ended up gaining some valuable insight into why I have been finding my ability to write more of the type of blog postings I’d like to that has been so hampered as of late. I also realized that the same reasoning explains why I have almost completely withdrawn from personal interaction with family and friends whose love and support and camaraderie I have always been privileged to share and take such great pleasure in. It all simply comes down to the fact that Of Course! I haven’t had a free and uncluttered mind that is so crucial to creativity, because all of my time, energy, emotions, and thought processes have been so weighted down with trying to make sense of a nonsensical situation; expecting loyalty, honesty, logic or compassion from people whom I had no reasonable expectation of them being capable of those traits much less inclined to exercise them in a way beneficial to me; and naively relying on the belief that our judicial system was about ensuring our laws and their own court orders are enforced consistently and justly as opposed to existing to simply quell any discord that inconveniences the system and achieving that aim in whatever manner deemed most efficient and effective without due regard to the concept of fairness or justice. Silly me!

SO with that mystery revealed, I find myself forced to finally recognize the unpleasant reality that our system is irrevocably flawed and broken and there is apparently nothing I can do about it. I am left with being expected to stoically stand silent to yet another slap in the face while the truly guilty party not only walks away relatively scot-free and inexplicably “exonerated” but having to suffer the further insult, harm and injustice of having my good name and honor publicly besmirched based upon another’s lies and the system’s indifference. I am desperately trying now to integrate that reality with my personal view that if ethics and morality have no place in our courtrooms, then there really is no hope for America, no hope for mankind, and no basis for me to even want to live in such a world. And this is coming from one who has always felt like and been known for being the supreme optimist, always believing in the best of mankind, always believing I could help make a difference in this world that would somehow leave it a better place, and who believed that “The Truth will set you free!” was an inviolate promise from G-d and not a cheesy, commercial slogan.

As I stand today (figuratively since I remain confined to bed) I have no idea how I will be able to go forward and resume the life I had before this 12+ year trauma, or at least resume the faith, optimism, and ability to enjoy life as I had before. All I know for sure is that I simply refuse to allow my spirit to be so thoroughly trashed by others that I am no longer able to be myself. SOMEHOW, I will not only survive, but I will thrive once again. And that’s a promise!!

BTW, if you’re interested in the apparent disconnect between our justice system and morality, the Duennes& Russell blog has a great post entitled “Everything Has to Do With Morality” that’s written from the point of view of a current law student who is a deeply committed Christian. Very thought provoking.

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Semi-Sweet Justice - NOT!

Justice for All... NOT!

NOW THAT I GOT THAT OUTTA MY SYSTEM, ONTO A NEW DAY!

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2 thoughts on “Internal Combustion (or How I Will Turn the Bile of Betrayal into Fuel for Deliverance)

  1. Dear Leslie,

    Thank you for writing! It is always inspiring to read your posts, even when you write about losing inspiration! While reading, here and there, I was reminded of my attitude about the justice system and, it is not one with faith that anyone in power will possess the morals or practice the ethics that I think are crucial to a democracy or Justice. I feel badly that such a lost and broken system has had a negative effect on you, personally. I’m reminded of the way I felt when I realized the world my son lives in, one day proved to have so many dark sides, that it’s often hard to see any light at all. The light being his belief in love, kindness, sharing and open to there being a Mystery to it all. A magical mystery.

    Our public systems are a reflection, I guess, of our people, but some of us must find ways to shine a light on the darkness we see in this world and hopefully, we can connect with each other. One day, things could change. They could get better, but I agree that in this time, it really doesn’t look good. Just remember, you are not one of the people who helps to create the darkness in a beautiful magical world, nor do you add to the corrupted justice system. You live a life that reflects love and truth and I believe, somehow, your naivety will prevail.

    Thank you too for sharing your art with the world and, the stories to go along with it! An everlasting treasure that will continue to nourish hungry souls. Mr. Maslow simply forgot a few things.

    Your friend and blogging comrade,
    Michelle.

    • Michelle-
      You always find the time and a way to share the kindest, most support thoughts even when you’ve got your own worries to deal with. You are truly an inspiration and a very much appreciated friend.

      While I can’t find any “logical” reason to continue to hold out hope for certain people to finally “get it”, or for our justice system, or even the world, being cynical or pessimistic runs so counter to my nature, that degree of despair and negativity have already run their course in me and drifted away due to my lack of interest in it. 😉

      I like your use of the word “magical” as that seems even more appropriate than “faith” (even if it turns out to come from the same source). While I firmly believe that each one of us has to do everything we can to “be the change we want to see”, as Mahatma Ghandi so eloquently put it, I also believe in “magic” and angels and the power of love.

      Love and Kisses to you and Neil,
      Leslie

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